The Penny

So I’m in college.  And college is the place where I should be finding myself, right?  Hit the jump for an interesting and illuminating story.

I was in seventh grade, the middle of middle school.  It was the beginning of the year and I was sitting in science class, getting ready to absolutely blow the class away with my genius.  Then Mrs. Hayes, my slightly odd teacher handed out the assignment.  It was meant as an exercise in analysis and objective thinking.  We were to pretend we were archeologists in the year 3000 (or some other far future date).  During our excavations of western North America we discover a small copper disk with a bearded man inscribed on the front (i.e. a penny).  We were then to speculate on what it could be, it’s importance in its society, etc.  Simple enough, right?  One problem, I couldn’t do it.

All the other kids immediately went off and began writing novels on this penny while I just stared at the page.  I was stymied by the total lack of information.  So I began asking my teacher question after question, trying to learn more about the year 3000: “Do we have coins?  Do we even have money?  Is there religion?  What have we found in the past similar to this?  What is our knowledge of this American society?  How precious is copper these days?” and so on and so on.  Mrs. Hayes quickly grew frustrated and told me to just do the assignment.

That night I was still working on it when my dad came to help me.  I began explaining how impossible it was to do such a vague assignment, how anything I said would be way off base and completely open to being destroyed by the teacher for my unjustified assumptions.  My dad told me to make those assumptions since they obviously weren’t being provided to me.  At this point I was nearly in tears with frustration.  Why couldn’t they understand?  I needed more information!

I eventually finished the assignment, probably doing it half-heartedly and still making an A, and forgot about it.  I realize now, though, that that episode tells a lot about me.  Fast-forward 4 or 5 years….

My senior year of high school was when I really ran into a wall as far as work was concerned.  Mr. Bires English class easily provided me with the toughest challenge.  I’d stay up late working on a paper due the next morning, spending the majority of the time just staring at the page, unable to come up with anything at all.  I’d hem and haw, go to my computer, procrastinate (thank goodness facebook was blocked), and wait until panic would push me to doing the paper.  This class was different because I was no longer analyzing, instead I was creating new material from nothing.

This year I’m running into a similar problem.  I’m working on creating a big report that needs to be published sooner rather than later to a lot of important people.  And its hard.  I’m actually really intimidated by it, which is odd considering how I laugh in the face of math and physics problems as well as the most difficult witness.  But I was walking down the street today and had a small burst of inspiration that may explain a lot:

I am not a creator, I am a facilitator.

I have a very difficult time creating a new design, concept, idea, story.  Nothing comes and more often than not, when something does come, I am incredibly frustrated over my inability to translate the concept to some medium.  But when I am facilitating or working with someone else’s idea, I shine.  I can tear apart a paper, analyze it, and then put it back together, complete with red inked glue.  I can take a team, lead them in coming up with an idea and then help them accomplish that goal.  I can carry out instructions to the T and do it better than most.  I can learn and learn and learn, without breaking a sweat, and do problem after problem without difficulty.  But when I need to be creative, when I need to create something out of the box, I freeze.

Is this a bad thing?  Probably.  But I think it has driven me to an appropriate career path.  As an attorney, I will have a very clear job: put the bad guys in jail.  I will analyze and speak, but I won’t have to create anything outside of the ordinary.  As a physicyst I would have to come up with new ideas eventually and I don’t think I would be able to do that.

This is a major weakness, and something I need to work on.  But I’m glad I flashed back on that penny, showing me how I needed a framework, a very strong one, in which to function.  But I guess that’s also what college is for, right?  Pushing your comfort zone, doing new things, screwing up normally and having the kick to get back up.  So I’ll continue working on my creative side, and while it probably won’t be up to Picasso’s standards, I’ll be able to get by.

~ by Mike on October 9, 2008.